Now and Then, My Dreams Need to be Crushed (In List Form)

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I probably spend more time than I should dreaming up movie pitches that would a) probably not do well in any American theatrical market–major chains, independent drive-ins, arthouses, not even those filthy places built in the 70s where people went to watch pornos in the comfort and safety of a darkened room with other, probably masturbating strangers–and therefore b) would not be greenlit by any studio. It would, however, be great if they were. Here’s a few of them:

  1. A mind-bending sci-fi thriller starring Jeffrey Wright. (Source Code doesn’t count, as Wright was merely a supporting player, not the star).
    Why Wouldn’t It Get Made?: Wright’s an admirable character actor, but not a name that people instantly recognize. Also, Hollywood seems to think sci-fi movies are the realm of white folks (and Will Smith).
  2. Take the premise of Gareth Edwards’ Monsters, dump the white leads, and replace them with Giancarlo Esposito as a smuggler hired to sneak a family into Arizona. This would have improved the movie a million times over.
    Why Wouldn’t It Get Made?: Movies that are supposed to be about the struggle of minorities supposedly only resonate with audiences if a white person is there to help start the revolution (see: Avatar, District 9, Dances With Wolves, The Last Samurai, The Help, etc.). So, basically, the same reasons as #1.
  3. A shot-for-shot remake of 300, but with dildos in place of the Spartans.
    Why Wouldn’t It Get Made?: Producers would insist Leonidas should be played by someone at least quasi-famous and generically handsome (“I hear Bradley Cooper is still looking to be taken seriously!”). In the end, they would decide to put all the “strip-mine our culture” money into re-releasing Sylvester Stallone’s Cobra in 3D.
  4.  A buddies in action war flick in the style of The Dirty Dozen or Saving Private Ryan, but about the Mujaheddin fighting the Soviets in Afghanistan during the 80s. With a cameo by Habib Al-Habib as Osama bin Laden as “the drill sergeant guy.”
    Why Wouldn’t It Get Made?: Beats me.

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