Future Events Such As These Will Effect You In the Future

criswell-predicts

  • 2018: Mass production of civilian drones begins in earnest. Microcycles–single-wheeled motorcycles intended to ease urban congestion–begin commercial use, primarily among delivery services. American military invasions of the Middle East become routine to the point of seasonal coverage along the lines of tornadoes and hurricanes; debate sparks in Congress over what naming system should be used for all future wars (Republicans in favor of names of Presidents, Democrats in favor of names of civil rights leaders).
  • 2019: Apple enters the civilian drone market with its new iSpy. Promises their drones will be able to monitor data on all Apple-linked devices within a ten-mile radius. Can also tell you the best routes to the nearest store. Foots is a hit TV show in America, earning all time greatest ratings ever.
  • 2021: Microcycles become cheaper, raising their availability. Rumors of microcycle gangs in major cities also rise. Near-light speed travel accidentally invented by Swiss researcher studying gravitational fluctuation. Apple releases iSpy 4, promises to work on “bug” which allowed NSA to gain access to millions of Americans’ shopping data.
  • 2024: Doctor in Kansas discovers mutation in a child, caused by contraction of swine flu by the mother during pregnancy, which causes psychic abilities. More cases reported soon after. A blast occurs for the second time in Tunguska, Russia, speculated cause is gas.
  • 2029: Detroit, Michigan leveled by psychic shockwave of unprecedented strength. The expected invasion of the Middle East that year, Operation Andrew Jackson, diverts from Uzbekistan to Jordan on accusations of harboring psychic terrorists.
  • 2030: First colony on Mars updates via social networking site Twitter on the discovery of oil. Space programs the world over are subsequently privatized, the prevailing forerunners being Nagamiti Industrial and Hammer Solutions (despite neither company having prior experience in rocket technology or space travel).
  • 2035: New Detroit Metro completes first wave of construction; experimental robot police malfunction on first day. Budget talks stall government in the United States, though private firms contracted by them still manage to receive funding.
  • 2038: Nice, France reports UFO sighting, cause is said to be gas. Private security firm XSVE destroys most of Afghanistan and Pakistan while supporting Operation Chester A. Arthur, despite the AO being Syria. No one charged.
  • 2042: Microcycle gang violence reported to be stalling Phase 3 of New Detroit Metro’s construction, as are protests against Emergency Manager Harry Harmon’s gutting of city services to add a third layer to the Rick Snyder Expressway. China prepares mech army for war against Australia.
  • 2046: Hong Kong declares “no take backs” during official reconciliation with mainland China, activates secret engineering project which moves island just into international waters.
  • 2047: Nagamiti Industrial takes lead in private Mars race, getting its first shuttle into orbit around the Earth. Celebration includes influx of bailout money from UN members to the flagging program.
  • 2048: Combat breaks out in New Detroit Metro between anarchists, XSVE, and microcycle gangs. Cause unknown, but psychic activity confirmed. Troops withdraw after three days of fighting and an inexplicable [redacted] Seasonal invasion of the Middle East delayed two months.
  • 2050: Leaked documents reveal [redacted], but are quickly suppressed by the CIA.
  • 2053: Government and private donors in China, India, and Germany take charge in getting privatized race to Mars back on track following news Nagamiti Industrial and Hammer Solutions used the previous bailout money to give executives bonuses. No one charged.
  • 2058: Semi-privatized space race takes off, with Martian colonists leaving Earth orbit. United States dismantle remnants of its space program in favor of contracting military and colonial envoys with corporate shuttles. First craft arrive in 9 months, on account of instability in near-light speed engines. Jetpacks finally get around to commercial use.
  • 2061: War breaks out on Mars between Nagamiti Industrial and Hammer Solutions over claim to ice caps. Rumor spreads of [redacted] forming their own nation on Earth’s moon after lights are spotted on its surface. Official explanation is gas.
  • 2064 Fighting on Mars settles, just as Earth-based sympathizers for each faction declare war on one another following news of atrocities in small outposts. New post-human mutation discovered, of biomechanical nature. Drunk jetpacking incidents on the rise.
  • 2067: Fighting on Earth stops as news of atrocities committed there reach Mars, leading to reignited conflict. Another post-human strain discovered, marked by luminescent veins. [Redacted] said to be spreading beyond solar system.
  • 2074: American government cancels seasonal invasion of the Middle East upon data from probes revealing oil on Pluto; diverts $1.3 trillion towards aggressive expansion of semi-private, near-light speed travel. Apple folds after iSpy 23s are “liberated” by [redacted], a loss of billions of dollars the company never recovers from.
  • 2080: Post-human mutations begin to multiply, on Earth and throughout the solar system, including one which is isolated to a single man in Siberia who subsists solely on snowflakes.
  • 2084: Parts of Oregon and Seattle burn in fire attributed to psychics. War on Mars stops for three weeks, starts again just because.
  • 2090: America elects Danny McGee, CEO of minor technology firm Allfather, Inc., to the Presidency. Ojibwa Nation declares New Detroit Metro the seat of their new, sovereign nation, though nobody notices at first.
  • 2091: President McGee pushes through sweeping legislation in Congress granting his office a lifetime term; in the process, Allfather, Inc. absorbs several private firms with which the government had subcontracted its space exploration and colonization, and severs contracts with those too large to be taken over. First debates on whether or not post-humans qualify for rights held at the UN.
  • 2102: Martian War I finally ends in the Olympus Max Accord; details of the agreement, including who actually won the war, are rendered indecipherable by esoteric legal speak and triumphant speeches given by leaders of both sides.
  • 2107: Ore mining operations spread outside the solar system for the first time. New Detroit Metro officially recognized for its sovereignty, despite President McGee’s later protestations he “had his fingers crossed.” [Redacted] are reported to be perfecting faster-than-light travel. Martian War II begins.
  • 2115: XSVE files for Chapter 7 bankruptcy after merger talks with Hammer Solutions break down. Saudi Arabian researchers aboard space station orbiting Jupiter create first sustainable wormhole; probe sent through reveals Earth-like planet in Andromeda galaxy. Martian War II concludes with a second accord at Olympus Max, still no idea who won.
  • 2127: Martian diaspora begins. Reports of first signs of alien civilization on planets outside the solar system dismissed as gas. Allfather, Inc. buys out wormhole research.
  • 2139: Psychics reportedly spotted on Pluto. U.S. government moves nation’s capital to Space Force One, a station orbiting Jupiter; President McGee promises “New wave of freedom.”
  • 2152: Nagamiti Industrial successfully completes wormhole travel ahead of Allfather, Inc.’s announced benchmark. A middle manager for Allfather, Inc. charged with treason and executed.
  • 2156: Colonial expansion pushes well beyond solar system. [Redacted] spotted by Nagamiti outpost in the Andromeda galaxy. Earth population now down to pre-Industrial Revolution levels. Religious war breaks out in the skies of D’Artagnan, an exoplanet colonized by Hindus, Irish Catholics and Shinjinetics–an offshoot of Shinto believing gods reside in DNA and paying tribute will unlock physical perfection.
  • 2160: Europa inexplicably falls from Jupiter’s orbit. Unrelated, United States moves Space Force One to Saturn. Post-human subversives engage in terrifying wave of graffiti across Pluto.
  • 2165: Alien civilization finally confirmed after small-scale mining company Noquest razes a valley, pulverizing two villages of vegetation-like octopods in the process. No one charged, official joint explanation from UN and US for the devastation is an accident caused by gas.
  • 2169: [Redacted]
  • 2172: President McGee passes away after ingesting a triple bacon cheeseburger, at the age of 153. Vice-President Corey McGee (no relation) sworn in as President and CEO of Allfather, Inc., declares his office falls under lifetime term clause, cancelling expected election; protests suppressed with police violence. Business resumes as usual.
  • 2189: More star-spawn deaths following Noquest’s continued drilling in their territory; President McGee sends village a box of President McGee dolls as condolence. [Redacted] continue to spread throughout the known universe.
  • 2199: Envoy to the former United States capital reveals all traces of American government had left some time ago, and the land reclaimed by loose coalition of socialists, anarchists, Native American tribes, post-humans, and other people who remained on Earth. No one notices the lack of economic structure. Canada still exists.
  • 2202: Attempt to recapture American motherland fails due to cost-cutting measures leaving only a force of scab workers with few rights using substandard equipment and working under higher stress. Remnants of different alien civilization discovered near Alpha Centauri. North Korea claims to have bomb which blows up sunlight, revealed to be a disco ball.
  • 2204: Star-spawn declare war on Noquest following destruction of third village; U.S. and allies intervene, devastating the indigenous beings and assuming ownership of their lands. No one remotely expected to be charged.
  • 2206: News reaches Earth of genocide of star-spawn (purportedly through means of psychics and [redacted]); Ojibwa Nation and allies gather to declare war on United States. Foots: The Final Voyage concludes the long-running TV series, watched by everyone in the American Space Colonies.
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