A Sociopath’s Guide to Romance

In light of some recent news, I’ve decided to step into the cutthroat (and oxymoronic) genre of “self-help” books. As such, I am proud to share with you (yes, you!) some excerpts from the latest sensation on the New York Times Bestseller List (well, as soon as it gets published, I’m sure it will be). A book sure to change the lives of millions of people struggling to find love, whether it be the storybook romance or the quick nights of passion one reminisces about when stuck in bar in Punksatony, Philadelphia during a winter which will last the rest of their life. A book that has all the answers shy, awkward, nice guys need to defeat “the friend-zone” the way one beats Emerald Weapon in Final Fantasy VII. I give you: A Sociopath’s Guide to Romance.

Meeting Women:

Men are notoriously bad at reading women’s minds and body language. Don’t think that you’re any different. From now on you must ASSUME that she is attracted to you and wants to be ravished. Even if you haven’t spoken to or even made eye contact with her, just assume.

It is YOUR JOB, as the man, to lead the interaction. Be playful. Spin her around. Pick her up. Push her away as a tease and then pull her back in.

Decide that you’re going to sit in a position where you can rub her leg and back. Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don’t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances.

By that same token: If she says “STOP,” or “GET AWAY FROM ME,” or shoves you away*, you know she is not interested. It happens. Stop escalating immediately and say this line:

“No problem. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.” If a woman isn’t comfortable, take a break and try again later.
Unless she calls the cops. Then just look for someone less bitchy.
*[here is where sitting her on your lap comes in handy, since it’s hard to shove someone away from that position]

Setting Up a Date:

When you get her number, I find it powerful to throw in a “Now you’re not one of those girls who flakes all the time, right?” in a somewhat accusatory tone. Immediate distrust and psychological abuse is totally hot.

Sometimes, if you are feeling resistance, planning multiple venue changes throughout the night will work in your favor. If that doesn’t work, roofies always help. Your life is awesome and you’re letting her ride shotgun in it.

Getting Intimate:

Expect her to offer some resistance when you try to bring her home, but remember that “no” means “yes.” Throwing out a “I don’t sleep with someone on the first date.” or “No sex, okay?” will do wonders. It all helps to generate “plausible deniability,” because that worked miracles for Reagan, amirite?

I highly advise to go for the makeout as soon as possible. This sets a sexual tone and diffuses awkwardness that can lead to additional resistance.

Now is the time to ramp up the physical escalation. Hopefully you’ve managed your logistics and can get her into a private, intimate setting (basement preferable) for what follows…

All that matters is that you continue to try to escalate physically until she makes it genuinely clear that it’s not happening (then take a break, and try again later). She wants to be desired, but the circumstances need to be right, like her not having access to mace or a phone.

Of course if you’re really unclear, back off. Better safe than sorry.

All these juicy tidbits and more are sure to get you what you deserve, because You’re a Leader. Just buy my book, and remember it doesn’t matter what the woman says, she really wants it.


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